I was reading some posts on Stannis

[Fusa]

here are some "chuck norris" rips of Game of Thrones Stannis the Mannis


A guy posted on Facebook.
-The God of Death says 'not today' to Stannis.
-Stannis once overslept; it was called the Long Night.
-When Stannis started burning people, Targs started pretending they’d been doing it for years, just to be like Stannis (even making up stories about pyro kings and everything!).
-Stannis is so savvy with a blade, that when he cuts the fingers off criminals, they thank him for it!
-Melisandre originally had two rubies around her throat. Stannis ripped one off and threw it. This is the red comet.
-The Mother was the Maid, before she met Stannis Baratheon.
-Stannis laughed once. This is known as the Doom of Valyria.
-Ser Duncan the Tall was once known as Ser Duncan the Normally Proportioned, until Stannis uppercutted him so hard that he grew an extra two feet.
-Stannis Baratheon once told a woman to shut up, she became the first ever silent sister.
-A Valyrian Steel razor once cut itself on Stannis.
-Renly once asked if Stannis Baratheon has a favorite color. He answered that he doesn’t have a favorite color, as he believes all colors should be treated equally and fair.
-Stannis Baratheon reads the terms & conditions, and only clicks ‘I Agree’ if he truly does agree with what he read.
-Stannis Baratheon sits his daughter down at Christmas and explains the logical reasons for why Santa Claus does not exist; he then proceeds to re-gift her her own clothes as she only deserves what is hers by right. He will re-gift her the Iron Throne when he dies.
-Stannis Baratheon has never had a son because no mortal woman's womb can handle so much concentrated manliness.
-Stannis walks with a slight limp because the only think capable of injuring him is the weight of his gigantic testicles repeatedly striking his knee.
-Stannis shaves with his own fingernails because the only thing hard enough to cut Stannis Baratheon is Stannis Baratheon.
-Stannis Baratheon is only bald because he once scratched his head.
-Stannis doesn’t read books. He stares them down until they give up the information.
-Stannis once had to face reality... reality lost.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is called chlaustraphobia, fear of Stannis is called logic.
-Stannis died 10 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.
-The Dothraki hordes are afraid of the sea because they know Stannis is on the other side.
-The dragons didn't die out. Stannis was born.
Shireen survived greyscale because Stannis told her to...
Howland Reed defeated Arthur Dayne by yelling "lookout Arthur, Stannis is behind you" then stabbing him in the back when he turned around. Reed has been in hiding ever since for taking Stannis' name in vain...
-The last time Stannis smiled, Dany's dragons hatched. His next smile will bring down the Wall.
-A young Stannis Baratheon played the Dragonbinder in the Stormlands High School Marching Band.
-Stannis can beat Daenerys, Margaery, Sansa Cersei, and Arianne in a beauty contest.
-When Robert cheats, Cersie cheats back. When Stannis cheats, Selyse cries with happiness.
-Stannis has a different name for Valyrian steel swords. He calls them toothpicks.
-Stannis has appointed no Small Council or Kingsguard because he fills all of these roles himself.
-Stannis has no shadow because it ran away in terror. This is why the Shadow Lands exist.
-The folk pray to the Seven. The Seven pray to Stannis Baratheon.
-Stannis Baratheon is the only Adult of The Forest.
-During the Siege of Storm's End, Donal Noye challenged Stannis to an arm wrestle.
-Maester Aemon once challenged Stannis to a staring contest.
-Stannis once challenged himself to a wrestling match. He won.
-Prince Oberyn is Stannis' daughter.
-The Titan of Braavos is made of Stannis' old armor.
-The Others known weaknesses are Obsidian, Valyrian steel...and Stannis Baratheon.
-Old Nan told Bran the story of The Last Hero, who looked for the Children of the Forest for help during the Long Night. The story was interrupted before she finished. The actual ending of the story is how the Hero found the Children, and then The Children of the Forest directed him to Stannis.
-If you have five coins and Stannis has five coins, Stannis has more money than you.
-When Stannis stares at the sun, the sun blinks.
-Stannis agreed to marry Selyse Florent because there was no use trying to find a woman who looks as good as he does.
-Tywin sent a bard to play "Rains of Castamere" to Stannis, Stannis told the bard that he did good work and that he accepts Tywin's surrender.
-Tywin Lannister shits gold. Stannis Baratheon shits Tywin Lannisters.
-One blast is brothers of the Night's Watch. Two blasts is wildlings. Three blasts is the Others. Four blasts is Stannis Baratheon.

[Fusa]

Originally Posted by Fusa

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is called chlaustraphobia, fear of Stannis is called logic.


-When Robert cheats, Cersie cheats back. When Stannis cheats, Selyse cries with happiness.

-Stannis Baratheon has never had a son because no mortal woman's womb can handle so much concentrated manliness.


-Prince Oberyn is Stannis' daughter.



-Tywin sent a bard to play "Rains of Castamere" to Stannis, Stannis told the bard that he did good work and that he accepts Tywin's surrender.


-Tywin Lannister shits gold. Stannis Baratheon shits Tywin Lannisters.


-One blast is brothers of the Night's Watch. Two blasts is wildlings. Three blasts is the Others. Four blasts is Stannis Baratheon.

all of these ( most of them just in a row made me cry while laughing)

the fucking one about no sons because of the manliness, then 4-7 of them later Prince Oberyn is Stannis Daughter. I mean come on fucking hilarious